Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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