i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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