I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
