Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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