Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
