He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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