My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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