I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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