Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
