Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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