Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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