Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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