Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
