I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
My nipple is on Facebook.
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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