That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
not ubering you a puppy
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