This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
