I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
ttyl tear gas
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
