The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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