Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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