I CAN MOONWALK!
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Someone signed my nipple.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
