I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
