grandma shit on top of the toilet
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
the raccoons are back...
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