So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
