i think i have two assholes
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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