So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
