my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
