The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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