you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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