My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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