so let's talk penis.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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