:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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