I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
