My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
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