This is not my ceiling
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
