My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
