This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
