That's when you crack a 10am beer
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
