my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
