The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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