I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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