I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Randomize
