i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
