my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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