I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
