I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
