There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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