I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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