The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
