if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
