i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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