Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
