Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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