3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
