He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Randomize
