i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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