Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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