it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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