I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
